Things Witches Cant?Don't Do So Stop Being Retarded...

1. we cannot fly broomsticks. that'd be badass, but no. doesn't work.

2. no fluffy new age or old age woven spell can fucking turn you into a wolf. stop it. if anyone asks me for a spell to turn them into a werewolf i will send you a charm bag full of dog shit...

3. We dont curse because we feel like it or because we didn't get our way. you could argue it can be done, but that doesn't make someone a good witch does it? further elaboration: the backlash will knock any idiot trying their hand at cursing because they're not disciplined enough to know how to direct a curse, or a spell for that matter, properly. if they did succeed that would make them a warlock, in other words a witch no one likes.

4. we dont eat babies. that's SRA crap.

5. we dont make small children eat poop. another accusation popular with the SRA cases.

6. we dont have gingerbread houses. as neat and tasty as that would be, no. the ants would be hellish.

7. we dont summon satan to have sex with us and give us power. that stays in the Crucible.

8. we dont have green skin and warts. that's just gross and unnatural.

9. WHY DO PEOPLE PORTRAY WITCHES WEARING PILGRIM SHOES?! o-0

10. real witches don't snort pixie dust and unicorn farts.

11. we dont become Master Casters within our first couple of years of training. not even our first decade.

12. we are not level 30 Master Casters. this isn't an MMO. shut the fuck up.

13. we dont turn people into toads, even though we'd love to when people piss us off.

14. we dont get our letter from Hogwarts

15. we cant fly with the wind unless it's a tornado. (no broomstick included)

16. we dont have distinctions between male and female witches. no warlock/witch crap. just witch.

17. we do not preform magic ONLY for personal gain. a lot of magic is done for the good of others.

18. we dont like Charles Leland, for the most part.

19. we do not inherit our abilities as a witch through blood. a witch can and often do have muggle parents

20. not all witches engage in ritualistic orgies 24/7. sometimes not at all.

21. we dont have seizures, froth at the mouth, or burn when given/shown a crucifix. that's fucking stupid. nothing about the church, christianity, or christian practitioners or believers can physically maim us.

22. if you throw us in a river tied up we will not float. we'll drown and die like everyone else.

23. we're not lighter than ducks...no Monty Python

24. if you think someone's cursed by a witch the following won't do shit: take urine from the person(s) you think are cursed, make it into a cake and feed it to a dog. once the dog eats it the witch will scream in agony. lol wut..

25. not all witches have extra nipples. fyi...

26. just because someone cant say the lord's prayer doesn't mean they're a witch. it just means they dont give two shits about your religion.

27. if you hang us we will die like everyone else.

28. if you burn us we will die like everyone else.

29. witches can cry.

30. we aren't succubi or incubi >_> if we want to fuck you we'll do it in body lol

31. you dont need to cut off our head and burn us and bury us in holy ground to make us not come back to life. i promise we'll stay dead..maybe..

32. we dont eat or have sex with corpses...that's just gross. i know some people do that crap but it's not the most popular activity in the witching community o-0

33. we dont make corpses rise from their graves and eat people, even though that'd be fucking awesome...

34. to be a witch one doesn't need to be a jew, gypsy, midwife, old woman, poet, or a elderly jewish gypsy midwife who does poetry on the side. lol

35. not all of us can do that freaky cackle. only the badass witches can XD

36. we dont want to get that stupid derpfuck Dorothy and we dont give two fucks about her little dog too.

and there's my list on what witches aren't. semi serious and silly. ill update this if more comes up and if you guys have heard other ridiculous rumors about witches feel free to comment. later i'll write a serious spill about witchcraft and what it means for me and my branch of witchcraft. probably even give a rundown on Stregheria. hope you enjoyed.

.... ritualistic orgies...

my mind went somewhere dirty

Yeah, that was the point. Magi, on the other hand, are ALL over ritual orgies, if my friend's stories about LA are true...

oh good so it's not just my mind

lol that's all you guys got out of this...

Would love to hear more on Stregheria; I have some of Grimassi's texts but never heard anything in depth from a practitioner.

Also, SRA? Not familiar with that acronym. Had a quick look and I assume you you don't mean Spherical Radiation Absorber?

there's one thing I don't recall seeing in your list

It's possible that it is not associated with witches but i'll ask anyway

Grimoires?

grimoires, depends on the witch.

and SRA stands for Satanic Ritual Abuse. cases of witch accusations in Berkley California i believe. daycare women accused of making children eat poop, eating babies, and fucking corpses. haha oops i forgot to mention that in the list. we do not commonly eat or fuck corpses. that's just a personal preference with no relation to witchcraft lol

You missed the one about how some people believe that witches can't cross running water (like streams and stuff). It annoys the fuck out of me when people tell me that. Witches can easily cross running water just like anyone else. >_<

Also, as to number 9, I believe the most recent beliefs of this came from "The Wizard of Oz". xD

Thanks for the clarification, I'll be sure to look into that.

Though now I also want to know what in the hell that spherical thing is.

lol the pilgrim shoes could also be a reference to the salem trials time period. obviously witches are just that vintage XD

fuuuuuuucccckkk i forgot to add all the trial crap that identifies you as a witch!! like floating on water, and being lighter than a duck lmao

NOOOOOooooo.......

I wanted to turn into a kitty... forever...(seriously) *sniffles*

Oh my goodness... People still actually believe in all that crap? WOW. I mean, it seems as if most people nowadays don't believe in witches period, but... There are people who literally think... *Picard facepalm* I can't.

Alsoooo, maybe a stupid question, but is there a such thing as a magic-using Christian? Because I know some people say that witchcraft is evil and demonic but it doesn't seem like it, especially if all you're using it for is protection for yourself and others... You guys may not know for sure, but I figured I'd ask just in case, haha.

1. What did you think transubstantiation was? But, in all seriousness, yes. Only most of them would say that what they do isn't magic: THE LORD answers their prayers and preforms a miracle. I'm a Christian (Gnostic Christian, but it still counts), and I am a magus. I believe that God gave me this power, but I recognize it for what it is.

See, that's what I thought. Because it doesn't make sense to refrain from using magic, when they used it quite often(in Ireland, at least, which is my heritage) in the past. But growing up(and now, especially), I've been told--it's been drilled into me, more like--that magic is evil and spells are bad but... I just don't see how. Black magic, sure. But protective/defensive/non-selfish magic? I don't see anything wrong with that.

Thank you, azsura(:

Magic isn't good OR evil. Is a gun evil because you can kill with it? No. Is a hex to inflict illness or blight crops evil? No; if you blight the crops of an oppressive landowner, or inflict that landowner with sicknesses, you are acting justly. Look at the Old Testament, and tell me that none of those miracles were violent, destructive, and selfish. Magic is just a tool; its the PEOPLE that are good and evil.

I never really thought of it quite like that... I mean, in a way, but you get what I mean. Thank you so much! That really does help clear things up a bit.

Anything else?

So, it's not against Christianity?

Unless you are using it for ends that are, themselves, against Christianity, it isn't.

In my opinion. Of course, who can know the will of God?

Oh, gosh, thank you so much.

That's what I figured! And, you know, that is a good point. But I do have faith that if it is the wrong path for me, God will turn me away. Thank youuu~

I don't believe in a God that is so active. This story is a pretty good analogy for how I think God works: http://www.eco.uc3m.es/~pgomes/2-Personal/Asimov,%20Isaac%20-%20Spell%20My%20Name%20With%20An%20S.pdf

Hmm... Interesting story, indeed. So, you believe that God is more of a Watchman type, and the angels are assigned to certain tasks?

That actually makes a ton of sense. We send our prayers and love and thanks to God, and he sorts out the missions for the angels.